Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
