I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
