i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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