I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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