bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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