I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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