The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
