this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
