I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
