just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
