Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
