you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
