Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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