Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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