you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
