I wanna bring you to show and tell
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
