my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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