shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
