tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's never too late to be topless.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
