You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
