Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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