I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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