I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
