Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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