i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That accounts for only three of the penises
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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