I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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