On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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