I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
