i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
