He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
