when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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