Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
