I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
