none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Did I show you my penis last night?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
