either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
