he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
