the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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