When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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