I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i've created a new STD.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
