you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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