Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
