flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
