i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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