This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
