My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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