..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
high people should be assigned attendants
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
