I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
