Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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