My room smells like vodka and shame
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
