Already got asked if we're dating
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
