I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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