If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
