Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
